“Nothing I do”

Nothing I do or say will change what is to come....
The winds of change make my heart beat faster, nay not for the thrill of what is, but for the fear that lurks.
Some say that when one stands in ones fear, the fear exists no more, I fear nothing , for nothing is more painful than the loss I feel inside, the whole in the wall that is my defence, for now all can see the mask of what was hidden.
In another time they say we will be a better being, all I say is, and I am already.
I am who I am. I am love, I am in love with none, but I do one, myself for now that is all I can.
I seek companionship for this journey I am to make, not for the loneliness of it, for the viewing of me, the knowing of me and the record of this life.
For all to soon this will be nothing more than a distant memory.

I fail not in allowing others to see, I fail in not allowing others to understand that which is me.
In so doing each tear in that they leave me with is nothing to what I tear away when they have gone, the constant voices in my head, the fighting in my sleep, the uncertainty they leave me with, what did I do wrong this time?
Then I feel it all the tears flushing the pain into nothing, just a memory of joy that once was there. 

Paradise gained, Paradise lost, and it is all the same, both have pain, both have nothing, without the love in me.
Soon it will be time for another tear and another goodbye; oh I hate that word goodbye.
Nothing I do or say will change that which will come, for without it I am not me.